My girlfriend is putting me on trial this weekend? Help with my defence?

We have a kinky relationship. She found a playboy magazine in my room. She was very unhappy. She says she is going to have a trial in our apartment this Friday a 7pm. I will have to defend myself. She will be the judge, prosecutioner, policewoman and jury. She tells me that defendants in her court are kept naked and in chains until judgment. If guilty, I'll be imprisoned for the entire weeknd as well as several whippings. What can I say in my defence? I don't think this court is going to listen to any plea. The prosectioner has started to introduce other fake accusations! I want to try to put up some kind of defence though.. any help?